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About the father-son relationship

About the father-son relationship

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Is it possible to love all our children equally? What lies in the father-child relationship? The psychologist answers.

Love her equally?

Dear Judit,
What should I do if I feel that a couple loves one boy more than the other? My older son is two and a half years old. He was similar to his father until his birth, both in nature and in nature. His birth was a beautiful one, a tremendous achievement for his father. Gabu was a big baby, suckling, barely crying, sleeping a lot. To this day its very good nature, lightweight with it.
So Isti was born, now nine months old. Even though his arrival didn't go as planned, his father almost missed the big event. He was crying terribly, barely sleeping in the sun during the day, and every "New Year's Eve" came out. Not like anyone in the family, the couple once broke out to be sure they were exchanged at the hospital. To bathe х bathed, but did not ask for other tasks; he spent most of his free time with the big one.
Then, when Isti began to emulate, the angelic gentleness of that time broke out of whiteness and aggression. The couple also said that he had a bad conscience because of this, according to him, Isti would have been better off if Gabu was now, what good would we do with him.
So I feel, in love and attention, Gabу gets the maximum, I just barely do anything. I don't want you to live life his father made love a struggle to determine.
K. Melinda, Budapest
Dear Melinda,
If you were to knock this problem with a psychologist, you would certainly have a long conversation between you and the specialist. The following questions arise among others: Do you both want a second child? Did the baby come? What came first: "New Year's Eve" or Disillusionment in the Little One? Why is it so important to be similar to someone? It is worth considering these, perhaps one answer will explain the reasons, even if it does not provide an immediate solution.
Regardless of the people I tell you, some important experiences. One is that many fathers are less and less enthusiastic about taking care of new children: the second child is less likely to be leashed, rocked, and the third child is less so. But that doesn't mean she loves less. A man has a very difficult time doing this: he is not as prepared for the baby as the mother is. The body does not develop life, the hormones released during childbirth and breastfeeding do not support the formation of a deep bond between the baby and the baby.
The father is almost ready to have a child who causes quite a lot of inconvenience and very little "benefit" in the newborn. I don't want to diminish paternal love, because practical life shows that it takes longer and more complex mechanisms to develop than maternal love - and neither does child love.
Let's add that like mom, dad somebody, you may not be able to mess with your child his temperament, his personality. This can make things harder for everyone. Fortunately, our nervous system is very flexible, adapting, changing, grinding, or suddenly discovering things that we have not done before, and helping them get closer together. It may be difficult for the father to live with this baby now, but he will soon enjoy the liveliness, the cleverness, the intelligence, the mobility, that is, they will find each other. I think you can trust that you don't have to bury your father-child relationship based on your first eight months of experience.
And the other thing you need to be clear about is that some areas of our lives are not perfect, which is sacred. But often, it is this very struggle with the spirit that brings the "big things" to an end. Alfred Adler, with his brother, created a whole psychological theory based on rivalry, which has boosted social science a lot. Of course, this is a light consolation, because we may not want to see our children in the future, but rather as a balanced, happy person. But it's not always up to us.
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